Oct 28, 2010

Waiting and Wishing

Again with the lapse in my blogging. I'm telling you... things just pile up and then I get overwhelmed with where to even start writing about them, so I just don't :)

But I'm back.

This may be a fairly philisophical blog entry. Just warning you before you get much further, haha.

I hope you all have clicked on the link in my previous post and made a guess at when Miss Isabel will arrive. I'm leaning toward the 21st, because it's a full moon :)

I am trying my hardest to be patient, but God knows that has never been my strong suit. In fact, when I was in high school and just beyond, I used to pray for God to give me patience... I should have known better! I don't know that God necessarily GIVES you patience, as much as He tests it to show you that you already have some measure of it. I feel like my last 10 years have been an exercise in patience - learning to wait on the Lord and his timing, not my own. I was so distraught in those months when Drew and I were "trying" to have a baby that nothing was happening, when in hindsight, that is the time when I should have spent preparing my mind, my body, and my home for life with baby - even baby in the belly. You'd think I would have learned enough times now that God never lets me down and always provides for the desires of my heart. I mean, look at my life - absolutely wonderful husband, college degree, home, and now a baby on the way. I'm not saying any of this came easily - I have worked my butt off (I wish in a literal sense, haha). But even when it's been so hard that we didn't know what trial was going to face us next, God has never let us down, and we've always miraculously had what we need - even the small things like my co-worker, Karen Burr, bringing me lunch a few weeks ago on a day that I didn't bring anything to eat. God always provides. And I have to remind myself every single day that we will have the diapers we need, the clothing we need, the job we need, and the food we need, even though we don't have any idea where the money will come from to pay for these things. All we need is manna - a daily supply.

Friday night, I had my first bout of "false labor." At around 7:30, Drew and I had finished dinner and were sitting around watching tv - I believe we were watching a scary 80's movie in honor of Halloween :) I started to feel "braxton hicks" but to a degree I had not experienced them previously. My entire belly would tighten up, and I had cramps and some pain. So, I started timing them with one of my nifty Iphone aps, and turns out, they were coming every 9 or so minutes and were lasting about a minute and a half a piece. I waited for a while to see if this was consistent. 2 hours later, I told Drew what was going on. 3 hours into the "contractions," I mentioned it on facebook to a friend of mine who wisely convinced me to call the doctor. I have been a little frustrated with my doc's office because everytime I call with a question, I feel like the answer is always "that's normal" without any sort of explaination or question for further information. The on call doctor told me to take a Tylenol and go to bed... if they got closer together, to go to the hospital. So, around midnight after 4 hours of contractions every 9 minutes, I went to bed. When I woke up at 4 in the morning for the inevitable trip to the bathroom, they were gone. Part of me was relieved because at that point, I was not even CLOSE to being ready to taking off work, to having a daughter, to delivering, etc. But part of me was really dissappointed. I am so ready for her to be here - and on the same coin, so very ready to not be pregnant anymore. I so desperately want to be able to sleep on my stomach again!

I generally have no idea what my husband thinks about all this. When I ask him if he's excited, he will say yes, but he really is not one for showing much emotion. Sometimes he will touch my belly in the most incredibly gentle and loving manner, and I know he's thinking about her... but then other times I think he forgets I'm even pregnant, haha. But who could blame him... his body isn't the one that has been growing and changing for 9 months, and beyond the accumulation of baby stuff in the house, my complaints, and the infrequent kicks from Isabel that he gets to feel - it isn't quite real yet.

I think he is starting to get a little stressed out that it's a mere 4 weeks away. For me that seems like an eternity, but for him, its tomorrow - same page on the calendar - counting down the free weekends we have left...

He'll make a great daddy though - sometimes, waiting for something uncertain to happen is the scariest part.

I have to say though, I never would have believed 5 years ago how much I would have grown to love Drew. I loved him like crazy then - before we even started dating I knew I loved him, I just had no idea how much, or what kind of love it was at that point. When we got married - I had no doubt that I would enjoy spending time with him, that I would stick it out through the good and the bad times, and that we would have adventures together - I just had no idea what that would entail. And now, almost 5 years after we said "I Do", I love him in such an intense and deep way, that it is just impossible to describe in an online blog. The fact that he is by my side is the most incredibly comforting thing I can think of. Even his smell calms me down. Knowing that there is someone that special to walk through parenthood with leaves me with no fear at all. And knowing that someone loves me as much as I am describing here, and that he will love his daughter that much or more is the most indescribable thing. I really found a keeper! He is going to make the most amazing daddy, and I have tears in my eyes just picturing in my mind him holding her and rocking her to sleep - and that's just the first day of her life! I think I would need a whole box of tissues if I started to think about him walking her down the aisle one day :)

Ok, there we go, the waterworks have been turned on. I think that is my cue to end this blog post and save the rest of my rambling thoughts for another day. Can't let my students come in and see me all teary eyed :)

31 more days. Can you believe it??

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